Blood drips down her exhausted body, so much blood; as if velvet tears are streaming down her face. Her presence on the battlefield has increased, her wounds don't have time to heal anymore. She is called to battle because she is convinced she can save them. She is called to battle to help alleviate the guilt she feels. She is called to battle because that's where her own internal enemies reside. She waves her white flag and the chaos around her continues. Confused and scared, she runs away. Only then does the feeling of safety, control and peace slowly settle into her being; she feels release.
Days pass with ease. However, soon after, the battle, far away, has somehow infiltrated her dreams, her thoughts and has even settled into her anxious body. So she reluctantly returns to the battlefield with heavy armor, convinced it's the only way to protect her heart. She is confronted with the same scene, as if she never left. She is overwhelmed by the carnage around her as the battle continues into the night. The darkness itself, feels so isolating, cold and frightening. At first, she feels weak and timid, not sure she has the courage to engage. Slowly she steps out with her sword and confronts her first shadow. The first hint of light starts to peek above the horizon and the golden hues warm her face. She starts to take risks and quickly her confidence strengthens. Her decision to push forward instead of retreat has made her realize that her freedom is on the battlefield. She takes a deep breath and surges herself forward into the fight; into the light.
I moved to my hometown a little over a year ago because I fell in love. I never imagined coming home. Aside from moving to a new state, there were a lot of other changes and transitions going on. Back in 2005, I accepted a full scholarship, but it meant I had to move to Utah for school. Moving to Salt Lake City was really scary at first, but soon, it felt like a vacation from my life. There was a lot of pain I left back in Washington State that I wanted to minimize and in some ways forget. Of course, my new life brought its own set of challenges, however it’s those childhood and early year traumas and sadness that have a way of affecting you at a core level. After school I moved from Utah to Oregon and resided there for 9 years. I was closer to home, which was nice in many ways, but I still had enough distance to retreat back into my safe space whenever I needed.
Coming back to Washington has made me realize two things;
1) I still have unhealed wounds.
They have been waiting exactly where I left them back home
2) I disengage and run when things get uncomfortable.
I have realized for some time that unhealed wounds and limiting belief systems will undoubtedly manifest themselves. Typically we learn this when others trigger these hurts within us. We trigger easily, react, then try and figure out what’s really bothering us, which most of time has nothing to do with the original trigger. In some ways I wasn't shocked to find out I had some baggage waiting for me, it was part of the reason I was really anxious to move back home. I knew those bags were locked somewhere in a dark room and part of me was secretly hoping they would stay hidden away. That didn't happen, in fact, they threw a welcoming party and told me how much they missed me and couldn't wait for the day I would return so we could hang out all the time. They weren't kidding either.
The realization that I am an "emotional runner" was a little surprising to me and something I wasn't initially excited to embrace. I have always known I don't like uncomfortable feelings and the last few years I have done a really good job of going to some uncomfortable places in the quest for personal growth. Regardless, I don't like conflict, I don't like hurting people's feelings and I for sure don't like arguing or fighting. I just want peace and if I can help it, remove myself from any feelings that are uncomfortable. I mean, who wakes up each day and says "I really want to immerse myself in the shittiest environment possible?"
I know what uncomfortable is, I just kept trying to control how much uncomfortable I experienced. This last year has dropped me in front of all the fears and traumas that have yet to be resolved or completely healed, in addition to new worries as I want to be a good partner, impactful businesswoman and hopefully a mother. I mean you name it, and it's knocked on my door at some point. Getting overwhelmed, I felt trapped with nowhere to turn but to face the fears. I just hoped they would go away, but the thing is, they rarely just go away. I was told by my Naturopathic doctors to see this as a blessing, to realize the freedom in healing these wounds, that can only be done when I stop running and avoiding.
So here I am, willing, yet scared to face the fears, embracing the painful parts and belief systems about myself that I believe truly want to be healed.
After a suggestion and discussion with my friend Stephanie Norton, I have decided to launch 4 collections under Soul Curiosity this year with a theme around the elements, water, fire, earth and wind. Part of my personal healing toolkit is art, a canvas and platform to tell personal stories that I hope will resonate with a larger audience. I am telling a vulnerable yet real story that connects to a broader human collective experience. I hope to explore the elements through the lens of this struggle, pain, hope and resiliency. My first collection of 2018 will launch in 2 weeks on Saturday March 17th.
I hope this blog inspires you to stop moving in the direction you are going, turn around and run the other way for a minute. I bet there is something waiting to be released, something begging to be heard and thankful you came back to heal it. Who knows? Maybe you will get a welcoming party too :)